When you go on my website's homepage there are multiple links, each link leads to a part of my story and my health journey. At the time of each of these health journeys I have been quiet. I haven't spoken to my followers, about what's happening with my health and what I'm doing about it. This time I would like to be more open with you.

So will you take a deep breath i’m about to be very raw. 2 years ago I spoke out. It was a long time before then. But 2 years ago, I officially spoke out, on a stand. It was the most unsafe place to tell my story. Everything I said, I was told I was lying, I was brutally cross examined. But my abuser went to jail for 10 years. It's a little over 10 years non parole but just under 10 years for parole period.  Being on the stand for three solid days just about broke me. I had to dig deep and use every strength that I had to pull through. My eldest was a baby and it was tough. I still had the demands of being a mum. I couldn't stop even though I wanted it to. It was a very dark place. It was scary and lonely. But I learnt a lot.

Recently I've learnt that due to a court technically. There will be a re-trial. That this feeling of being safe. A feeling a lot of people take for granted, maybe taken from me. Once the retrial date is set my abuser can apply for bail. Yes, that's right he has served just over 2 years of his 10 years and he could be out. The powers that be, tell me he will have restrictions placed on him but that doesn't change the fact that my abuser will be free. My hyper vigilance is at an all time high with the thought. We have a very small chance, of stopping this happening. Let's not forget this is all over a court technicality. 

Trauma and being a Mum can be tough. I struggles as a mum due to my trauma, my children's crying can set off a panic attack. My children wanting to be held can set off flashbacks, if they touch me in certain ways. They don't understand and it's not their fault, nor is it mine. But is it my responsibility. Children don't understand the boundaries that I have newly learnt to keep me safe. The daily struggle is real, a struggle that I use everything in my toolbox to deal with and cope with and live as normal a life as possible.

I don't think, I would be here, without natural medicine. I think that I would be heavily reliant on pharmaceuticals management of my symptoms, if I didn't know better.

I think about that, “if I didn't know better” and I think about my childhood. The fact that I grew up half of my childhood with my grandfather. He was a chiropractor but my parents too, they had this deep belief that “you take responsibility for the choices that you have made, that have led you to where you are now.” For example, I didn't grow up taking Panadol for a headache. I was told to drink some water because it was likely I was dehydrated.

I didn't realize it at the time and I'm not entirely sure my parents have actually acknowledged that they're really saying they believe in self-actualization they believe in self arousal. To take responsibility for where you're at. In essence a quote I heard often as a child: "You made your bed and now lying in it." As an adult that's exactly what I've done when I ever my health has suffered. So example when I suffered from cystic acne. I'd been to the doctor, because that's what everyone else did, and I was prescribed the pill that was supposed to help my skin. But in reality the pill has no ability to help my skin, it only ability is to manage it. Management is not, enough for me. I wanted more and let's face it, I actually never found any type of contraception that ever agreed with me because I think deep down it didn't align with my belief of self actualization and self responsibility.

So, I went to many Naturopaths and I spoke to every health professional that I could think of and how to heal cystic acne, I took responsibility! No I didn't actually, heal from my cyctic acne until I become a naturopath myself and I truly understood what was causing my acne. Which was my hormonal imbalances. In the process I learnt how to help others. In the process of healing my acne, I balanced my hormones and I haven't been on any form of contraception for over 12 years now. I have two children, two planned for children. I realize that I could really teach a lot of couples, women how to take responsibility for their health, their menstrual cycles and understand when they can conceive when they can have safe sex, and not conceive. I learnt a lot and healed my body and my mind beyond what I ever thought possible. But that is a lesson for another day.

My trauma has also led to sleep disturbances. Sometimes my mind races, I get stuck in the past. I have bouts of depression because that's what depression is. Getting stuck in the past. I have bouts of anxiety, where I'm just stuck worrying about the future, so at the moment with a looming retrial it could happen anywhere from the next 12 months to goodness knows, maybe 2 years. We really don't know. I don't really know what to expect. It's anxiety provoking because my mind is living in the future. I pull on everything that I know, I create a solid self-care plan to get me and my family through. Because I understand the reality that this re-trial could break me, could break my family, break my marriage. This is serious and I need to treat it with every seriousness that I have.

Keep following to find my self care plan

Being a Naturopath is who I am, I live to heal and serve others. Don’t let my personal journey stop you from seeking my support. It gives me a purpose and strength to continue.

You can read more about the impacts trauma can have on mental health here